Family as a System

There are multiple theories behind the various operations of the family. The idea that the family is a system is explained in the systems theory. Systems operate when parts of something work together in a group to accomplish something. Families are a rule-governed system which means the way each member patterns his/her behavior is determined by rules. These rules are often times unspoken. So how do you know what is expected of you when the rules aren't even said out loud? The interaction of family members follows organized, established patterns based on the family structure which enables each person to learn what is expected of him/her. These rules can be descriptive or prescriptive. In other words, family members determine what can or can not occur between members based on observation and experience.

Look back at your family. What unspoken rules can you think of? As I sat in my Family Relations class I noticed how many of my classmates did not notice their behaviors or roles were "passed down" until we started discussing them in class. Most of the things we do are subconscious decisions.

I've discovered a few unspoken family rules of my own:

• Sunday afternoons are quiet time so mom and dad can take a nap
• If you want to go out with friends at night, ask mom first
• Be prepared for the "Who? Where? What?" questions
• Also be prepared for her to say "Go ask your dad"
• If you need help with math or English homework, go to dad
• Do not invite yourself over to someone else's house; wait until you're invited
• Doing chores such as cleaning your room or doing the dishes before you're asked will give you better chances of mom and dad approving your pre-arranged plans
• The family member to wish another member a "Happy Birthday" or another celebratory expression first is more thoughtful than the others😉

Another theory is the exchange theory. This is the idea of an invisible scale. We weigh the costs and rewards of any relationship. For example, we always want to keep our costs (such as time, money, emotional energy) lower than our rewards (such as emotional gratification, money, a sense of security, or anything that defines as a satisfying outcome of a relationship) in our interactions. When we feel like we're constantly investing more than the other person you're bound to leave the relationship.

A symbolic interaction theory is the idea that everything is symbolic in some way. For example, the way a person hugs (arms around the neck, under the arms, or diagonal) or when someone exhales through their nose with a little more force than usual can make a person think, "That must mean..." or "He/She is thinking..." The thing about this theory is that we always read into things, but we're not always right.

Conflict theory is when groups are in conflict because there are equally powered forces which leads to no conclusion where both parties get their way. In a real world case, this would be found when me and my sister are fighting over a shirt that she stole out of my closet until my mom steps in to set us straight. Even though the issue is resolved, we both had to give up something to find peace again.

Understanding these theories is important to use in building and maintaining meaningful intimate relationships because they're all natural, but getting wrapped up in just one of these systems can be unhealthy. For example, always having conflict between members will drive out peace or feelings of security in your home. Reading too much into a situation or assuming something without talking about it can lead to one-sided conflict. Unspoken rules can also cause problems within the family. Examples of toxic unspoken rules could be, "Don't talk about..." "Emotions are a sign of weakness," or "Always act like everything is okay, even when it's not." Overall, lack of communication sets you up for failure when you're grown up because you may feel like you don't stand on equal ground with everyone else. Luckily, families - just like systems - always have room for adjustments or changes to strengthen their unit.

When my older sister moved on to college then served an 18 month mission out of the country, the roles and responsibilities of the oldest sibling automatically fell on me.

Boy were we glad to have her come home!

Take a minute or two to reflect on your family's past performances and behaviors. What are some of the theories that you recognize within your family? Do you have any unspoken rules? What about patterns of behavior that were just kinda "passed down" to you? I'd love to hear your discoveries and feedback in the comments!